Monday, September 29, 2008

practicing his gang signs.

Mr. Baby is hardcore for someone close to 10 lbs.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

29: by the skin of our teeth.

Dear Claire,
I'm not going to lie to you, this month has not been easy. You love your baby, but some days, he really gets in your way. Some days, it seems, you hate me. There are days when I miss the ease of caring just for you. I'd like to sleep a full eight hours, I'd love to abandon the diaper bag and breast pads. There are days when it seems like someone is always crying. Still, there is plenty of sweetness, when you forget to be mad at me for all of these changes and for that I am grateful.

I watch you watch him, Clairegirl, and it is beautiful.

Before bed, I make a plan. I will play more. We will bake something. I will get dressed before you wake up. Then he spends the night fussing and nursing and crying and my intentions fall to the floor. You are there to witness my exhaustion. You want to do the puzzle. You want to play in the park. You want to hold the baby. He wants to cry. I want to mainline coffee. And you are patient with me. Sometimes more patient than I am with you. Some nights, after you go to sleep, I crawl into your big girl bed and wrap my arms around you. I run my hands through your sweaty hair and I pray.

We hang on, because we are home to each other. And we try. Again. And again. And again.

I love you, Pooper.
Love,
Mama

Monday, September 22, 2008

i am their giant.


The first time I saw Claire, I had that moment when you look at your baby and think, you are the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. When I saw Everett for the first time, I had another moment. I thought to myself, dude, I just gave birth to a miniature Nate.
Here he is, my littlest one. My miniature Nate, my Mr.Baby.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

to whom it may concern.

Dear Claire,
Yup, he's really staying. Before you know it, he'll do more than just sleep and eat all day. I promise.
Love,
Mama

Dear um... Ladies,
I am not actually employed as a wet nurse. If you could just turn things down a bit that would be great. Thanks.
Love,
Kari's shirts

Dear Everett,
Let's try sleeping tonight. That would be neat.
Love,
Mama

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

life is beautiful

People have asked me how Claire is adjusting to life with Mr. Baby. I've seen her sweet personality emerge after a rough first week and for that, I am thankful.

Monday, September 15, 2008

for katie, who couldn't come over today because she has a cold and i have a newborn.

* This was painted by one of the midwives at the birth center. Just another reason I am glad I fired my doctor.
My friend Katie is an artist and I thought she'd appreciate this. I was going to email her a photo of my crazy belly painting, from the week before Everett emerged. But then I thought, the internet probably wants to see this too. Because after you've given birth in front of a room full of strangers, posting your painted belly feels, well...modest.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

she calls him mr. baby.

That's all you really need to know about last week.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

do you remember when we met? i sure do, it was some time in early september.

20%. That is the likelihood that my previous doctor gave me of a successful VBAC. Not great odds. I wonder what she would say about the giant baby I pushed through my nethers five days ago?

Everett was born after a 2 AM trip to the Birth Center dilated to 7 1/2, which at the time felt pretty crazy, but later, we'd have a drive that would be insane. There were hours laboring in the tub and falling in love again with my husband who held me up as I pushed and he prayed. Then, when things weren't progressing, a 12 mile trek to the hospital fully dilated and contracting, my head in the midwife's lap, while I still managed to backseat drive a little. We met the doctor for the first time at the door of the little hospital and I knew I could trust him to deliver my child. How many ob-gyns do you know who started out doing homebirths in the 70's? No one suggested surgery. My mom arrived in time to hold my hand, as I screamed myself hoarse and commanded Nate to pray. The vacuum came off of his head repeatedly. There were no drugs. There were 5 1/2 hours of pushing before he finally emerged, giant like Claire was, face up like Claire was, with tiny scratches on his head, but perfect. My body felt as though I'd ran a marathon. I felt pretty hardcore. Better, even after all of that, than I did after my c-section 2 years ago.

There were intimate moments in a beautiful setting, then me on the table surrounded by strangers and none of it mattered, as soon as he was there.

And my heart stretched with my body to accommodate my littlest one. I can't wait to see who he becomes.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

birthday boy.


Everett James, born September 5, 2008 at 1:30 PM.
Weighing 9 lbs 10 oz., came out the usual way and looks like a miniature Nate.
I'll tell you all about it soon.
*Photo updated because The Dada liked this one better.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

soon and very soon.

I don't remember the last time I nursed Claire. She slipped from baby to big girl and I didn't even write it down. Her weaning happened so gradually that it was entirely painless.

Each night before she goes to bed, I think this could be the last night with just the three of us. Only so far, it hasn't been. We get one more marathon of huggies and stories and songs. One more night of her asking for a big kiss and a little kiss Nacho Libre-style. One more night before she has to share us with someone new. Someone new, who like her sister, will come when he's ready.Someone who will hopefully inherit my ability to smile for a camera and not his father's.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

overdue? you too?

People have asked me how long my doctor will "let me go" without intervening. I asked at my appointment last week, and she actually laughed. She said my pregnancy wasn't something she needed to stop and that our baby would come when he's ready.

If he were a library book, I'd owe $1.25. This is all feeling vaguely familiar.

Monday, September 01, 2008

28: a walk in the park.

August has not been an easy month for us. It's hard to make plans when think you might be having a baby that day. My body has slowly been preparing for labor. I'll spare the details, but there have been good of signs. Claire knows something is happening. She knows a baby is coming. It is hard for all of us to wait.

Some things I want to remember about her 28th month:

The time she told him, "Come out, baby. I have toys."
She broke my heart the day she told me she would live at Grace's house after he was born.
She broke it again all of the million times she's kissed my tummy.
When I ask her if she needs attention she always says yes. When I ask her what kind of attention, she thinks for a moment and then says, "goldfishies."


The day before she was born, Nate and I walked together at this park. Yesterday, we found ourselves back there, this time walking with our girl. We collected treasures, picked berries and had a sweet time. For a moment, I forgot about how huge and uncomfortable I have become and just enjoyed my family as it is right now. When we got to the end of the trail, she spotted the playground. She ran in place and shouted, "I found it!" Then she dropped my hand and headed for the slides.