fierce.

So we've been busy growing a human around here. I have moved into crazy, crazy nesting mode. Oh, 3rd trimester, you kill me. Windows that have gone without curtains for three years NEED THEM TODAY or I might cry. No room in the house is safe. I fell in love with a crib bedding set, went through every bit of Claire's baby clothing and despite my lack of mobility (crazy back pain), am fantasizing about reorganizing the attic. You know, for the baby.

dear big girl, who has my heart,

You are frustrated with me. You want to play Uno and Candyland. I want to nap. You ask when I'm going to stop being sick. You wish every day were a school day because I'm not much fun.

You are on the verge of learning to read. But already you read me. You ask if I need ice or water. You rock your brother before his nap. Lately, I am quick to tell you that I'm not going to always be like this, that she will be here soon and we will love her. But you already know that, because you already do.
Love,
Mama

dear little girl in my ribcage,

Before:

AND After:

Things that have been challenging this time around:
-repeatedly throwing my back out
-insomnia and no chance for naps
-chasing that wild brother of yours around
-feeling old, inadequate and uneasy
-for complicated reasons, having a doctor with zero bedside manner

Things that are not challenging this time around:
-loving you.

Just so you know, girlie.
Love,
Mama

happy birthday to me!

So, that was weird. Yesterday I turned 34, hurt my back while putting my boy back to bed, threw up into my favorite water bottle and spent the night fighting nausea, chills and thoughts that something must be wrong with the baby.

For the record: she's fine. Moving around like a champ. And seems pleased with the cheesecake Nate's mom brought over. Today, Nate declared GrandmaRama. We had help from my mother-in-law all morning and help from the Oma all afternoon. They were a powerhouse of laundry. I am grateful.

I am always trying to look for the lesson in things and the best I can come up with is this: ask for help, Kar. Unlike my other 2 pregnancies, I have struggled this time. I am older. My children weigh a combined 78 pounds. Mister is cra-zy busy. Repeatedly throwing my back out has caused old doubts about whether my body is truly capable of childbirth to come creeping in. And this time, I have to ask for more help than I like to admit that I need.
One person who loves to help is the Mister. Last week, I taught him how to vacuum. Not bad for a 2 year old.

kindergarten for dummies.

I have been agonizing over what to do with Claire next year for kindergarten. Thinking about this has been a nice little distraction from less fun topics like birth plans.

It boggles the mind that I have a child who will be five in just a couple of months. This year, she has attended a wonderful, small private school. I love everything about the place. Even the tiny potties. Her wonderful, small private school also has a kindergarten, so it should be an easy decision to keep her there. Only I've struggled trying to decide if we'd move her to the school that would be her elementary school.

Today, I decided. The school with the latest start time wins. Also the one that has pajama day and encourages the attendance of her beloved Teddy. It helps that we know this place and love this place and with all of the uncertainty ahead, I think we could all use a bit of the familiar. Even if it's just for one more year.

for sarah, so she doesn't think we died.

We are alive. Barely. Around mid-November, Mister Baby decided that the potty train was a red eye. I have always been of the "when they're ready" camp when it comes to these types of milestones, and honestly with the Mister, it's been a bit of when he's ready and when I'm ready. I haven't been ready to lift this huge self onto a potty several times throughout the day. So, dude decides to take the initiative and wake us up at 5:45 every morning (and sometimes several times throughout the night) to do his business. The crazy thing is he can hold it FOREVER during the day. I've never heard of any kid potty training this way, but it is working, it just makes the rest of our lives fairly chaotic.

All of that to say that I'm being gentle with myself. Saying no more than I'm used to, hanging out in jammies more than I like and neglecting extras (like this blog) in favor of the immediate. It feels a little like having a newborn, which I guess is good, because we have one of those coming soon too.