There are days when it feels like someone is always crying. When one kids stops just in time for another to start up again. Days when sleep schedules don't mesh. And maybe I resent them a little. I love those guys. But at the end of the day, I really, really want them to go to sleep. And I don't want to see them for at least 12 hours. And I definitely don't want to see them before 7 AM. That' s the kind of jerk that I am.
So when Mister has a fever for the second time in a month and is back on antibiotics and falling out of his window at 8 PM, I may have lost my cool because bedtime is clearly 7 PM and really, what are you doing in the window anyway? When he begged for me to "cozy him up" one more time, I did it, but maybe not as gently as he would have liked.
It amazes me how I become the worst version on myself when I am sleep deprived. Just this week, I was invited to do some great things (a 5K, a dinner out with friends, a phone conversation with my dearest friend who is far away- yes, please to all 3), but I am so fried by the immediacy of their need that there is room for little else. And I see then that my love runs out. I am generally more gentle and kind at 3 PM than I am at 3 AM. I will cozy him up four times but not five. I will rock the baby, but the screaming 2 year old is harder to handle.
And I am filled with gratitude that the One who loves me has a love that won't run out. He cozies me up again and again. When I let Him fill me, I can love them even when it's hard and I'm weary. Even then.